開始之前 Before we begin, 我希望你把手♥機♥關機 I just want to ask you to turn off your phone. 因為我最近看電影的時候 I say that "cause I was at a movie recently, 旁邊有個人接了個電♥話♥ and the guy next to me answered his phone during the movie. 他接電♥話♥時

　原話是這么說的 And he answered it by saying, and I quote, 他說

　"你誰啊" he said, "Who dis?" 也就是說

　他不只是愿意跟某個人聊天 Which means, not only was he willing to talk to someone. 而是愿意跟任何人聊天 He was willing to talk to anyone. 不管對方是誰 He didn"t care who it "Das". 謝了 Thanks. 我不確定德語"說"的過去式是不是這樣 I"m not sure what the past tense of "Dis" is, 這個人接電♥話♥時用到德語單詞"說" 但他確實不在乎對方是誰 but he did not care who it "Das." 我要給你講個故事

　是真事 I"m gonna tell you a story, and, and it"s true. 我總要強調是真事 I always have to tell people that because, inevitably, 因為總免不了有人跑來問我 someone will come up to me, and they"ll be like, "是真的嗎" "Was that true?" 我就說

　"是真的" And I"ll be like, "Yeah." 然后他們還會問

　"是嗎" And they"ll be like, "Was it?" 我都不知道說什么好了 I don"t know how to respond to that. 我想是不是可以把嗓門放大再說一遍 Like, I guess I could say it louder, you know,

　"是真的" like, "Yeah!" 他們是不是就會想

　那應該假不了 They"d be like, "It"s probably true. 因為他說得這么大聲 He said it louder." 上帝 God. 你還好吧 Are you okay? 還好

　還好 Yes, yes. 故事要從我和女友艾比 It all started when my girlfriend Abby and I 決定同居的時候說起 decided to move in together. 我不完全確定這是明智之舉 I wasn"t entirely sure it was the best idea. 實木地板

　空間通透 Hardwood floors, lots of room. 我現在的公♥寓♥就比我的個子稍微大點 My apartment now is only slightly bigger than my body. 這套就好多了吧 So this is better? 是啊

　這好多了 Yeah, yeah, this is better. 那就好 Good. 這里挺暗

　我們可以粉刷一下 It"s so dark in here, so we can paint. 是啊

　是啊 Yeah. Yeah. 如果你們喜歡

　得快點做決定了 Well, if you like it, you should act quickly, 這房♥子今天就要賣♥♥掉 because this will go today. 我挺喜歡的 Well, I love it. 馬特

　你喜歡嗎 Matt, do you love it? 你想

　你想怎么...

　Do you, what do you want... 你說我們要不要再看看別的地方 Well, I mean, do you think we should see other places, 還是就定這兒了 or are we rushing here? 好的 Yeah. 我們要了 We"ll take it. 那好

　我們填一下... Good. Let"s fill out... 我當時并不覺得我的人生可以塵埃落定了 I just didn"t feel like my life was on sure footing. 艾比一直都更專注于我們的感情 You know, Abby was always the more focused of the two of us. 艾比在布魯克林一家工作室教聲樂 Abby was teaching these vocal workshops at a studio in Brooklyn, 布魯克林

　美國紐約西南部一區 受學生愛戴 and her students loved her. 而我則努力想成為喜劇演員 Meanwhile, I was trying to be a comedian, 但進展不如人意 which was not going so well. 我小時候想當喜劇演員 When I was a kid, I wanted to be a comedian, 說唱歌♥手

　或者開一家披薩店 a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant 可以供三年級學生來消遣消遣 where third graders could hang out. 沒想到

　喜劇演員沒當成 I didn"t realize that instead of being a comedian, 卻在一家有喜劇演出的酒吧當起了酒保 I would end up just working at a bar where they have comedy. 隨著時間的推移 Like, over time, 我明白了對自己的目標要現實一點 I"ve learned to become more realistic about my goals. 拿我來說 Like, over time, for me, 我的夢想從演喜劇成名

　the dream has gone from getting famous doing comedy 變成演喜劇維持生計 to making a living doing comedy 再變成在街上撿到 20 美元 to finding $20 in the street. 我覺得這就現實多了 I feel like that"s way more realistic. 我的喜劇事業進展不順 So it wasn"t going too well. 但我不斷地對自己說其實還不錯 But I kept telling myself that it was, 因為想成為一名喜劇演員 because you, I think, to be a comedian, 就得有點癡人說夢的勁兒 you have to be a little bit delusional. 特別是起步期 Particularly starting out, 肯定失敗重重 there"s just so much failure. 身處逆境

　你得告訴自己 And amidst that failure, you have to tell yourself, 進展還不錯 "It"s going quite nicely." 如果做不到

　你就永遠無法登臺了 Because if you didn"t, you would just never get onstage again. 你會想

　我就是不討人喜歡 You"d be like, "I guess human beings don"t like me." 而這是難以面對的現實 That"s a hard reality to face. 實際上

　有很多現實 As a matter of fact, there are a lot of realities 都讓我難以面對 I have a hard time facing. 這個我們稍后再說 But we"ll get to that later. 伴我夢游 我把藍色的包好了 I, I packed the blue thing 還有粉色的

　在它下面 and then the pink thing that goes under it. 太好了

　Perfect. 我還給你帶了這些 And I got you these. 他們沒賣♥♥不加鹽的 They didn"t have unsalted, 所以我專門飛到非洲給你買♥♥的 so I flew to Africa and got you those, specially. 謝謝

　艾比

　課上得真好 Thank you, Abby. That was a great class. 再見

　馬丁

　謝謝 Bye, Martin. Thanks. 謝謝 Thanks. 課上得其實不是很... Listen, the class was not... 是嗎

　那家伙看著挺開心的 Really? That guy seemed happy. 你簽一下那個吧 And could you sign that? 那是給珍妮特的 That"s for Janet. 現在有批發賀卡的地方 They have a whole section now 專賣♥♥適合"妹妹訂婚宴"的賀卡 for "Your Sister"s Engagement Party" cards. 這么明確啊 Wow. This is really specific. 是啊 Yeah. 我想刪掉幾句的 I was gonna cross some stuff out, you know. 刪什么 Yeah? 別提離婚率

　還有... No mention of divorce rate or... 要我把這寫進去嗎 Do you want me to write that in? 好啊

　你寫吧 Yeah, you could write it in. 為珍妮特和菲利普舉杯 To Janet and Philip.

　去年

　我妹妹珍妮特訂婚了 Last year, my younger sister Janet got engaged. 這就是珍妮特 That"s Janet. 還有我父母 And those are my parents. 婚姻就像 You know, marriage is like, well, you know, 就像這塊蛋糕 it"s like this cake, you know? 你咬第一口的時候 When you first bite into it, 覺得沒有比這更好吃的了 you can"t imagine anything better, 然后你吃啊

　吃啊 and you eat, and you eat, 也許就吃膩了 and then maybe you"ve had enough cake. 我媽媽幾乎要把我爸爸逼瘋了 My mom seems to drive my father insane. 她總是"還有一件事"要說 She always wants to add one more thing. 對了

　還有一件事 Ooh, and one more thing. 但其實沒什么好說的了 But it"s rarely anything that deserves to be one more thing. 蛋糕是我從網上買♥♥的 I got the cake on the internet. 接下來該你了 You"re next. 看看周圍 Yeah, just look around, man. 都沖你來了

　寶貝 All of this is, it"s coming your way, baby. 快就位吧 Batter up. 她很漂亮 She"s beautiful. 看啊 Look at her. 她值得珍惜

　She"s a keeper. 他們認識兩年后菲利普就向珍妮特求婚了 Philip proposed to Janet 2 years after they met. 是兩年半 It was 2 and a half years. 差不多三年吧 It was almost 3. 他們認識后的兩年半 2 and a half years after they met. 好甜蜜 Very sweet. 可不是嘛 It was so sweet. 天啊

　他們相識以來進展神速 And, boy, they"ve come a long way since then, 珍妮特跟我說 because Janet told me 他們第一次約會結束時... that at the end of their first date... 媽媽

　別提這個了 Mom, you don"t have to tell that story. 說這個干什么 That"s not necessary. 他們第一次約會結束時

　菲利普說 Philip said, at the end of their first date, "晚安

　吉娜" "Good night, Gina." 可她叫珍妮特 And her name is Janet. 他連她的名字都不知道

　親愛的 He didn"t know her name, honey. 琳達

　你在那兒說什么呢 Linda, what are you talking about in there? 弗蘭克

　我們在這兒聊天呢 Frank, we"re talking in here. 你應該加入我們 You ought to join us. 我現在知道了 Well, I know her name now. 我只有在床上才叫她吉娜 I only call her "Gina" in bed.

　你怎么連這個都說 You can"t say that. 快告訴我

　你們談什么呢 Just tell me, what are you talking about? 菲利普知道珍妮特的名字了 Philip knows Janet"s name! 馬特

　你和艾比在一起多久了 Matt, how long have you and Abby been together? 八年了 Eight, eight years. 八年了 Eight years. 我都不記得有這么久了 I don"t remember it being so long. 真是荒唐

　太夸張了 That"s silly. That"s ridiculous. 我習慣把東西都留著 I used to save everything. 聽聽你大二春天發給我的郵件 Listen to this email that you sent me sophomore spring. 我還把它們打印出來了 I actually printed these. 真大方啊 That"s very generous of you. 你一向都吝惜墨粉的 You"re very stingy with toner. 馬特

　我父母想讓我去法學院 "Matt, my parents want me to go to law school, 但無論如何 "But I"m like, Whatever. 我要和我的樂隊搬到紐約去 "I"m gonna move to New York with my band."" 然后樂隊解散了 Yeah, and then that band will break up, 然后我又組了個樂隊 and then I"ll have another band, 那個樂隊后來也解散了 and then that band will break up, 然后我就教... and then I"ll teach... 天啊

　My God. 小聲點

　你會把我爸媽吵醒的 Shh, you"re gonna wake up my parents. "你值得珍惜" "You"re a keeper." 對了

　他那是想暗示什么 Right. And what does that imply? 是要你把我嘴里的鉤子弄出來 That you"re gonna rip a hook out of my mouth 再把我扔回河里去嗎 and throw me back? 他們要把我放生嗎 They"re gonna let me live? 喝口水 Here. 麥克斯叔叔說的 And Uncle Max is so subtle "接下來該你了"

　還真是委婉 with that whole, "You"re next," thing. 就好像

　這些人沒有自己的生活似的 It"s just like, these people just have no lives, you know? 你才不想結婚呢

　是吧

　I mean, you don"t want to get married, right? 你是在問我嗎 Are you asking? 不是 No. 那我可能不想吧 Then, no, I guess. 艾比

　屋里有只胡狼 Abby, there"s a jackal in the room. 艾比

　屋里有只胡狼 Abby, there"s a jackal in the room! 什么 What? 這兒有只胡狼

　就這兒 There"s a jackal, right there. 沒有什么胡狼 There"s no jackal. 快回來睡覺 Come back to bed.

　怎么了 What"s going on? 看啊

　就在這兒 There, there. 馬修 Matthew? 這兒有只胡狼 There"s a jackal. 沒有胡狼

　馬修 That"s, there"s no jackal, Matthew. 那是儲物籃 That"s the hamper. 睡覺去吧

　親愛的 Go to bed, sweetie. "屋里有只胡狼"

　是吧

　兒子 "There"s a jackal in the room," right, son? 寶貝

　醒醒

　沒有胡狼

　快醒醒 "Sweetheart, wake up. There is no jackal. Wake up." 我想他們聽懂了

　媽媽 I think they get it, Mom, yeah. 然后他一副要打空手道的架勢 And he"s in this, like, little karate pose, 太可愛了

　就在墻角 so sweet, in the corner. 盡管他都沒學過空手道 And he didn"t even take karate, though. 馬特

　你空手道沒入門吧 Hey, Matt, you were no belt in karate, I believe? 就是這樣 That"s what it was. -那武術呢

　-還不錯 - How are you at kung fu? - Pretty good. 爸爸

　你干什么呢 Dad, what are you doing? 你夢游多長時間了 How long has this sleepwalking been going on? 不行

　爸爸

　你這樣又要犯心臟病了 No, Dad, you"re gonna get another heart attack if... -別緊張

　-閉嘴

　別吵 - Calm down. - Hush, hush. 他才不在乎呢

　He doesn"t care. 我在醫院和一些內科醫生共事 You know, I work with some physicians over at the hospital 他們專門研究睡眠障礙 who specialize in sleep disorders. 我可以介紹你去看看 I could make a referral. 這或許會有幫助 That might be really helpful. 我不覺得有那么嚴重 I don"t think it"s that serious. 就發生過這么一次 You know, it"s only happened once. 沒準只是個意外 Probably just a fluke. 這事可得留意了 Well, it"s something to keep an eye on. 艾比

　他再夢游你會告訴我吧 Abby, can I count on you to tell me if it happens again? 謝謝 Thank you. 培根真好吃

　親愛的 This bacon is delicious, honey. 夠油滑 Really greasy. 右轉至馬頸路 Turn right on Horse Neck Road. 缺錢花嗎 You need money? 不缺

　爸爸

　我有工作 No, Dad, I have a job. 笑什么 Why is that funny? 你需要來點現實檢驗 Well, you need some goddamn reality testing. 需要車嗎 You need a car? 不用

　我不怎么開車 No, I don"t really drive. 也是 Right.

　你可以開這輛車 You could have this car. 我們不打算要了 We"re giving it up. 我不知道 I don"t know. 你覺得呢

　艾比 What do you think, Abby? 馬特 Matt. 不用

　不用 No, no, no. 別推了

　拿著吧 No, take it. 謝謝 Thanks. 還好嗎 Are we okay? 怎么了 Is something wrong? 馬特

　我不是說 Matt, I"m not saying 我想馬上結婚什么的 I need to get married right now or anything. 只是覺得

　我和你在一起這么久了 Just the idea that I spend all of my time with a person 你卻覺得結婚毫無可能

　讓我有點難受 who can"t even imagine that as a possibility is just weird. 我懂你的意思 I know what you mean. 我說什么好呢 What can I say? 她說得沒錯 She was right. 但在人生的這個階段 But at this point in my life, 我還在琢磨一些很根本的事 I mean, I was figuring out some really basic stuff like, 比如我這輩子要做什么 what am I gonna do with my life, 該去哪兒買♥♥麥片

　and where do you buy cereal? 明白嗎 You know? 我從來沒把結婚當成一個目標 I mean, I never thought of marriage as a goal. 看著我父母的婚姻 Like, I never looked at my parents" marriage 又看見其他結婚超過 30 年的人 or really anyone who"d been married more than 30 years 我卻從沒想過

　"我也要像他們那樣" and thought, "I got to get me some of that." 不過艾比的確是我這輩子遇見最好的人 But Abby was the greatest person I"d ever met in my life. 我對艾比一見鐘情 I fell for Abby from the moment I saw her. 她笑的時候

　特別燦爛 She had this big, beautiful smile. 一口的牙

　好像比頭還大 Like, it seemed like her teeth were bigger than her head 不過很性感 but in a sexy way. 于是我鼓足勇氣對她說 So I built up the courage to say... 你好 Hey. 你好 Hey. 我就是想說 I just wanted to say, 我徹徹底底

　被你們的表演打動了 I really was moved by your performance just like on every level. 聽著有點肉麻 Almost sounds creepy. 我確實有些肉麻的意思 No, I meant it in some of the creepy ways. 我經常在學校里遇見她 I kept running into her on campus. 你好啊 Hey. 因為我經常跟蹤她 Because I was following her.

　-馬特

　-馬特

　馬特 - Matt. - Matt. Matt. 你好

　艾比 Hey, Abby. 你好

　是叫馬特對嗎 Hey, Matt, right? 對 Yeah. 我見到她

　就會問 And I"d see her, and I"d say, 你這周末有空嗎 hey, are you free, like, this weekend? 她會說沒空

　可那樣子還是很美 She"d say no, which was hot also, 因為我知道她不會無故拒絕 "cause I knew she was sensible. 真的不行

　我們在編四首新歌♥ No, really, we"re arranging four new songs, 都得排練 and they all need rehearsal. 最后

　我給她來了一個慢速球 Eventually, I threw her an off-speed pitch. 我說 I said 那你想什么時候去教堂嗎 do you want to go to church sometime? 什么 What? 我十歲以后就沒去過教堂 Well, I haven"t been to church since I was, like, ten, 但是學校里有個不錯的小教堂 but there"s this nice chapel here on campus, 我就在想

　即使約會不順利 and I was thinking, if the date doesn"t go well, 我們還可以聆聽布道 maybe we"ll get something out of the homily. 就是現在

　就是現在 Now, now, now, now, now, now, now 就是現在

　就是現在 Now, now, now, now, now, now, now 我們倆的第一次

　Abby actually had to convince me 還是艾比慫恿的 to have sex for the first time. 我真的很想和你做♥愛♥ I think I really want to. 好啊 Yeah. 滾開 Get out of here! 抱歉 Sorry. 她決定一起去個包住宿和早餐的旅館 She decided we"d go to a bed-and-breakfast, 因為沒有什么能比精心安排 because nothing alleviates 更能減輕第一次的緊張情緒了 the fear of sex for the first time like a really elaborate plan. 這就像那些 80 年代校園電影的翻轉版 It was, like, a reversal of those "80s high school movies 片子里女孩說

　"德溫

　我不能" where the girl is like, "Devin, I can"t." 德溫說

　"你可以的" And Devin"s like, "But you can." 她就像德溫

　而我成了莫莉·林沃德 She was Devin, and I was Molly Ringwald. 莫莉·林沃德

　美國知名女演員 我覺得初次墜入愛河 I think falling in love for the first time 是一種非凡的體驗 is such a transcendent feeling. 好比吃了披薩味的冰淇淋 You know, it"s like eating pizza-flavored ice cream. 大腦根本分♥析♥不了那種層次的喜悅 Your brain can"t even process that level of joy. 還有人要來嗎 Is there anyone else? 你嗎

　來吧 Yeah? Yeah? Come on. 我想說說

　餅干怪獸 I was thinking about Cookie Monster, you know? 兒童節目《芝麻街》中的角色

　你們說

　他是不是 And I was just thinking, like, do you think he, 得了飲食紊亂癥呢 this guy has an eating disorder? 他只吃餅干 Like, all he eats is cookies, 連喉嚨都沒有 and he doesn"t even have a throat. 這不是在自欺欺人嗎 You know, like, he"s only fooling himself. 還有竹節蟲

　聽說過嗎 And I was, like, I was thinking about stick insects, you know? 如果我是一只蟲子 And, like, if I were an insect, 當然

　我知道我不是蟲子 I"m not an insect. Like, I know that. 但假如我是一只蟲子 But, like, if I were an insect, like, 我就討厭當竹節蟲 I"d hate to be a stick insect 因為其他昆蟲總是會撞到你 "cause all the other insects are always, like, bumping into you 因為他們不知道你在那兒 "cause they don"t know you"re there, 而你只能說

　"看著點" And you got to just be like, "Watch it." 他們會說

　"你看著像根樹枝" And they"re like, "Yeah, you look like a stick." 你會說

　"是啊

　可我長著眼睛呢" And you"re just like, "Yeah, I have eyes." 然后他們說 And they"re like, "你閉著眼呢

　更像了" "Yeah, they were closed. More sticks." 我的笑話講完了 That"s all the jokes I have. -太棒了

　-是嗎 - That was amazing. - Yeah? 剛剛這是喜劇表演 That was a comedian. 在我們的生活當中

　I really feel like our whole lives, 無論多沒自尊 no matter how low our self-esteem gets, 我們心里總是會想 there"s some part of us that thinks, 我有一個不為人知的專長 "I have a secret special skill that no one knows about." 最后

　我們會碰見一個人對你說 And eventually, we meet someone who"s like, 你真是深藏不露啊 "You have a secret special skill." 然后你會說

　我知道

　你也是 And you"re like, "I know. So do you." 我們去吃披薩味的冰淇淋吧 "Let"s eat pizza-flavored ice cream together." 這就是愛情 And that"s love. 愛情就是堆積如山的披薩味冰淇淋和幻想 It"s a mountain of pizza-flavored ice cream, and delusion. 你們舉辦了一場盛大的婚禮嗎 You had a nice, big wedding? 是啊

　真的很美好 Yeah, it was really beautiful. 你倆是青梅竹馬嗎 You guys grow up together? 可以這么說吧 You could say so. 我們住在同一個區 We lived in the same borough. 坐火車就能到 Like, one train ride away. 那湯米是個帥小伙嗎 So Tommy"s a good-looking guy, huh? 我覺得是 Well, I think so. 你覺得這算一見鐘情嗎 You think it was love at first sight? 絕對是 Absolutely, yeah. 湯米

　你最喜歡黛米什么 Tommy, what"s your favorite thing about Tammy?

　我喜歡黛米的美貌 I like how Tammy"s beautiful on the outside. 而當你了解她以后 When you get to know her, 會發現她的心靈更美 you realize she"s beautiful on the inside. 遇見湯米之前我不知道什么是白馬王子 Well, I didn"t know what Prince Charming was until I met Tommy. 現在我知道了 And now I know what Prince Charming is. 親愛的

　這是你錄的嗎 Honey, did you record this? 婚姻童話 正在播放列表 她可能就是喜歡那些節目 She could just like those shows. 沒人會喜歡那種節目吧 I don"t think anyone likes those shows. 我就喜歡那種節目 I like those shows. 抱歉 Sorry. 我不明白 I don"t know. 抱歉

　能幫我拿一下嗎 Sorry. Could you hold this? 沒問題 Yeah. 我就是不明白這有什么大不了的 I just don"t understand what the big deal is. 好吧

　我也不知道怎么說 Right, like, I, I don"t know. 我一直覺得 I just had always assumed 你們倆會結婚 that you guys would get married, you know? 她真的很好 She"s amazing. 我想這就是問題所在 I think that"s the problem. 爸媽這么覺得

　You know, it"s like, that"s how Mom and Dad feel, 我和艾比的朋友也這么覺得 and that"s how me and Abby"s friends feel. 所有人都認為我生命中最好的東西 Like, I think everyone thinks the best thing about my life 莫過于我的女朋友 is my girlfriend. 你會沒事的 It"s, you"re, you"re gonna be fine. 聽上去你是需要一些空間了 It sounds to me like you just need a little space. 也許你說得對 Yeah. No, you"re probably right. 你倆應該緩和一下 You guys should take a breather. 那是什么意思 What does that even mean now? 讓她去和陌生人做♥愛♥嗎 I mean, is it, like, she has sex with some stranger? 差不多 Yes. Probably. 那我可受不了 That"s unbearable. 是啊

　不過不會讓你知道的 Yeah, but, no, but you would never know about it. -那更不行了

　-我就知道 - That"s worse. - I know. 是吧 Right? 有人采取過"無性"緩和嗎 No, do people ever take, like, a "no sex" breather? 這樣可行嗎 Is that something that people could do? -沒有吧

　-有人做過嗎 - No. - Do people have that? 我覺得沒人這么著 No, I don"t think anyone has that. -沒有嗎

　好吧

　-沒有 - No? Okay. - No. 你應該跟她談談 You should, you should talk to her.

　跟她提一提

　看她怎么說 Bring it up with her. See what she says. 好吧 Yeah. 不

　我...好吧

　我會的 No, I...Yeah, I"m gonna do. 今晚在座的有富人嗎 Any wealthy people with us tonight? 有超級富豪嗎 Any ultrarich millionaires? 我看也沒有 I doubt it. 我竟然也已經開始涉足 I"ve actually begun dipping a few of my own toes 金融領域了 in the financial waters. 我發現我能在不到一周的時間里 I"ve discovered I can turn $1,000 into $420 把 1000 美元變成 420 美元 in less than a week. 我把剩下的錢存在一家網絡銀行 I have the rest of my money in one of these online banks. 還有誰

　錢也被套進 Anyone else have money tied up 這些不可靠的機構里嗎 in one of these shady institutions? 沒事吧

　潘達米格里奧 Are you okay, Pandamiglio? 沒事

　沒事

　我很好 Yeah, yeah, I"m good. 你沒事吧 You okay? 沒事

　只是 Yeah. Just... 我今天和珍妮特聊了聊 I was just talking to Janet and today. 她有個想法 She, she had this thought. 什么想法 What was the thought? 就是

　她說...

　Um, well, she was saying that... 能給我來杯愛爾蘭威士忌嗎 Can I get a Jameson rocks? 好的

　沒問題 Yeah, yeah. 表演不錯 Great set. 我也是個喜劇演員 I, I"m a comedian as well. 我有時也在這兒演出 I perform here sometimes. 再多來點威士忌 Jameson. 好的 Sure. 總之

　就是 Anyway, it"s... 她有一個想法

　她說... She just had this thought where she was just like... 你們好啊 Hey, guys! 好啊 Hello! 這是我們的寶寶 There"s our guy. 太可愛了 So adorable. -是啊

　-你好

　巴特勒 - Yeah. - Hi, Butler. 好漂亮的靴子 Nice boots. 能請我們兩個喝一杯嗎 Hey, can we get a couple free drinks? 當然可以 Yes. Yeah. 其實

　是這樣的 Actually, guys, you know, 馬特和我有點事要談 Matt and I were gonna have a little talk, 所以讓我們先說兩句 so maybe we could just talk for a second,

　我馬上就來 and I"ll come right back. 其實沒什么大事 It"s no big deal, you know? 你們倆是在談話嗎 You guys having, like, a talk-talk? 就像考斯比秀里面那樣嗎 Like a Cosby talk? 考斯比秀

　20 世紀美國情景喜劇 不

　不

　其實沒什么 No, no, no. It"s not a big deal. 是像"西奧在學校成績不好" Well, is it the, "Theo getting bad grades in school" talk 還是"瓦妮莎的初次約會"那種談話 or the "Vanessa dating for the first time" kind of talk? 不

　都不是 Yeah, I think it"s neither. 我們可以過后再談 But we can talk later. 不

　沒事

　我們現在就談 No, it"s fine. We can talk now. 稍等我一下

　來 Just give me a second. Here. 那好

　沒事

　我們在那邊等你 Yeah, totally. No, we"ll wait over there. -好的

　-一會兒見 - Okay. - Bye. 總之就是... Anyway... 潘達米格里奧

　特倫斯還沒來 Pandamiglio, we"re still waiting on Terrence to show up. -你要來一段 5 分鐘的嗎

　-好啊 - You want to do five? - Yeah. 那我馬上請你上臺 I"m gonna bring you on now. 好的

　沒問題 Okay. Sure. 我們一會兒再談吧 Um, we can talk later. -好啊

　加油

　-我會的 - Okay, have a good set. - All right.

　下面這一位

　你們可能見過他 You may have seen this next guy 往你們的莫吉托[雞尾酒]里加薄荷 crushing mint into your mojito. 讓我們有請

　馬特·潘達米格里奧 Please welcome Matt Pandamiglio. 謝謝 Thanks. 前些天

　我在看電視的時候 Um, I was watching TV the other day, 看到了天龍特工隊 and I was watching The A-Team. 20 世紀美國經典電視劇 有些時候

　我覺得 And I... you know, sometimes I feel like 這些家伙都不怎么用心 these guys aren"t even trying, you know? 我覺得

　如果你是一個在逃犯 Like, I feel like if you"re on the run from the law, 就別動不動穿金戴銀吧 you might want to go easy on the gold chains and feathers. 可能順手牽羊從貨車上拿瓶紅帶啤酒還行 Like, maybe take the red stripe off the van. 只是些想法而已 Just a couple ideas. 他以為你的儲物籃里有只胡狼嗎 So he thought there was a jackal in your hamper? 不是

　他把儲物籃當成了胡狼 No, he thought the hamper was a jackal. 這真的很... It was this really... 不過

　那個周末

　確實挺有壓力 it was really stressful, though, that weekend... 他的父母

　親戚都在 his parents and relatives and everything. 我想

　他也不是很好過 Just kind of a weird time, I guess. 你們應該也去生個寶寶 Well, you need to get you one of these guys, huh? 一切就迎刃而解了

　是吧

　彼蒂 That"ll fix everything, right, Petey?

　對啊

　當然了 Yeah, sure. 是嗎 Yeah? 不

　是的 No, yeah. 我不知道我是不是準備好了 I don"t know if I"m ready for one of these. 我也不知道馬特準備好了沒有 I don"t know if Matt is either. 拜托 Come on. 你就告訴他巴特勒需要小伙伴 Just tell him Butler needs buddies. 好吧

　我是可以這樣說 Yeah, I could say that. 巴特勒需要小伙伴 Butler needs some buddies. 可是...我從沒說過這種話 That... I would never say that. 下面有請特倫斯·貝利 Please welcome Terrence Bailey, everybody. 特倫斯·貝利 Terrence Bailey. 你真棒 Yay! You were great! 你們也看到了嗎 Did you guys watch? 我們在大學就聽過那些笑話了 We heard those jokes in college, though, 那時候確實很好笑 and they were funny then. 空瓶子給我吧 Um, let me grab your empties. 再來一杯

　先生 Uno mas, monsieur. 謝謝了

　酒保哥 Thank you, bartender. 謝謝 Gracias. 晚飯后發生了什么呢

　"What happened after dinner?" 我們回到家里 "We went back to my place." 然后呢 "Yeah. Then what?" 開始做♥愛♥ "Started making out." 然后呢 "Yeah! Then what?" 你好

　伙計 Hey, man. 我剛才...我剛才上臺了 I was just... I was just onstage. 表演了一段 Just did my set. 這個行業真是不可理喻

　亂七八糟的 This business is insane, psychotic. 你叫什么來著

　米克嗎 What"s your name again? Mick? 馬特 Matt. 馬克

　我在舞臺上光芒萬丈

　對吧 Mack, I"m out there onstage killing, right? 是的 Yeah. 可是呢

　我在好萊塢的朋友 Meanwhile, I got friends out in Hollywood, 都是些垃圾喜劇演員

　爛透了 terrible comics, the worst, 四處模仿

　不倫不類的 just leaking this derivative, 迎合那些喜劇白♥癡♥

　你懂吧 pandering comedic pus, you know? 可他們卻上情景喜劇了 But they"re on sitcoms. 的確 Sure. 他們有超大的游泳池 They have infinity pools. 還可以上飛行課 They"re taking flying lessons.

　我還知道一個家伙有個威浮球體育館 I know a guy with a Wiffle Ball stadium. 威浮球

　改良版的棒球游戲 -是嗎

　-以前在這里工作過 - Yeah. - Used to work here. 現在他家后院就是個威浮球體育館了 Now he"s got a Wiffle Ball stadium as a backyard. 真是惡心 It"s malignant. 是啊 Yeah. 我知道你的意思 I know what you mean. 看到那個女人了么 You see that woman over there, 拉著紅色行李箱的邋遢鬼 that mess with the red roller suitcase? 看到了 Yeah. 那是我的經紀人

　柯琳

　真是沒用 That"s my agent, Colleen. Useless. 是啊 Right. 我告訴她

　帶我出去吧 I told her, "Get me out of here. 帶我到處走走

　給我弄幾個演出機會 Get me on the road. Get me some gigs out there." 結果她給我預約了六場演出

　在五個州 Comes back to me with six gigs spread across five states. 150 美元一晚上 $150 a night. 太可悲了 Pathetic. 你好啊

　伊恩 Hey, Ian, hi. 你好

　柯琳

　你好嗎 Hey, Colleen, how are you? 謝謝你上周安排的演出 Thanks a lot for those gigs last week. 不用客氣 Hey, no problem.

　好吧

　我要走了 Yeah. All right, I"m gonna go. 我明天和你聯♥系♥ Maybe I"ll give you a buzz tomorrow. 好啊

　好的 All right. That"ll be nice. Okay. 你好

　我是馬特 Hey, I"m Matt. 你好

　馬特 Hey, Matt. 你好嗎 How are you? 很好 Good. 我...我看見你上臺了 I... I saw you onstage. 是嗎

　真好 Yeah. Cool. Cool. 是啊 Yeah. 對了

　那個 Well, yeah, hey, 如果你有什么

　小型演出的機會 if there"s ever any, like, small gigs or... 或是別的什么...我都可以去 or anything really kind of... I"m around, 就和你說一聲 just so you know. 你能表演多長時間呢 Yeah, well, how much time can you do? 我也不清楚 I don"t know. 大概 15 分鐘左右吧 Probably, like, 15 minutes or so. 而且他特別擅長主持 And he"s great at hosting. 他一直都在這兒主持節目 He hosts here all the time. 在大學也有

　你也預約大學的演出嗎 And colleges, do you ever book colleges? 有過幾次

　A few, yeah. 他很受大學生歡迎 Yeah, he"s great with college students. 他們都喜歡他

　覺得和他很有共鳴 They love him. They find him very relatable. 來

　給你

　馬特 Well, here, Matt. 如果你想坐下來談談 Call me when you have... 可以和我聯♥系♥ when you want to sit down and talk. 好啊 Okay. 好極了 Great. 好的

　再見 Yeah. See you. Bye. 潘達米格里奧

　衛生間里出了點狀況 Pandamiglio, we got a situation in the bathroom. 你快拿個絨毛拖把來 You"re gonna need the fuzzy mop. 好的 Okay. 謝謝你幫我說服那個經紀人 Thanks for helping out with the agent stuff. 你總是能很清楚地表達你想要什么 You"re just much better at telling people what you want. 巴特勒真可愛

　是不是 God, Butler really is adorable, huh? 巴特勒是誰啊 Which one"s Butler? 巴特勒 Butler. 巴特勒

　那個小寶寶巴特勒 Butler, the... Butler the baby. 對了

　那個寶寶

　剛才我們見到的 The baby, yeah, yeah, the little baby we saw. 對啊

　不

　我想我是沒怎么放心上 Yeah, no, I think I blocked that out 因為我有點怕小寶寶 "cause I have this fear of babies.

　我總是擔心 Like, I always get worried... 如果我抱著個孩子 like, what happens if I"m holding the baby 孩子死了

　怎么辦 and then the baby just dies, you know? 我就害死了這個孩子 And then I killed the baby. 好吧 Right. 而且

　你知道的 And then... and... you know... 也許在那之后

　你就不能 Yeah, you"re probably not gonna get, 收到圣誕禮物了 like, a Christmas present after that. 確實如此 Exactly. 他們會說

　我們要給馬特送什么呢 Then, "cause they"d be like, "What do we get Matt? 什么也不送

　他害死了寶寶 Nothing. He killed the baby." 再如果

　我想要領養一個寶寶 And then if I ever want to, like, adopt a baby, 他們會問我

　你有沒有害死過小寶寶呢 they"ll be like, "Have you ever killed a baby?" 我只能說

　好像有 And I"d just be like, "Kind of." 是啊 Yeah. 你覺得巴特勒是不是需要些小伙伴 Do you think Butler needs some buddies? 什么 What? 我不知道 I don"t know. 我只是在想

　也許巴特勒需要個小伙伴 I was just thinking maybe Butler could use a buddy. 我覺得他的伙伴肯定不少 I think he"s got a lot of buddies. 他看起來很...

　He seems like he"s very... 不

　他很可憐的 No. He"s a loser. 他一個朋友都沒有 He doesn"t have any friends. 不

　他朋友多得數不清 No, he"s got a million friends. 我每天都在街上看見他 I see him on the street every day. 好吧

　什么時候 Okay, well, someday, 我們也許可以給他生個小伙伴 we"ll probably make him a friend, 所以我們今晚就來練習一下吧 so we may as well practice tonight. 你知道

　我曾經一個人練習過的 You know, I"ve been practicing on my own. 你這是干什么 What are you doing? 我不知道 I don"t know. 我只是 I"m just, like, um... 我現在不想做

　我的大腦不想 I"m just, like, not into this right now, intellectually. 你的大腦

　你說真的嗎 Intellectually? Are you serious? 算是吧 Kind of. 你呢 Are you? 算是吧 Kind of. 我今天和珍妮特聊了聊 I was... I was talking to Janet today, 她告訴我

　去年 and she was saying that, last year, 她和菲利普緩和了一陣子 she and Philip took a breather 讓他們之間更親密了 and that it was, like, it made them closer.

　什么 What? 不

　她只是這么說了一下 No, it was just, like, this thing that she said. 我覺得還挺有意思的 I just thought it was interesting. 你是想說我們也要那樣嗎 Are you saying you think we should do that? 不

　不

　不

　我不是這個意思 No, no, no. I"m saying they did that. 你是想去和別的女人做♥愛♥嗎 Do you want to have sex with other people? 不是 No. 那你想要我去找別的男人嗎 You want me to have sex with other people? 不

　不是 No. No. 我覺得

　他們那應該叫"無性"緩和 I think theirs was, like, a "No sex" breather. 太荒唐了 That"s ridiculous. 如果你不想和一個人在一起 If you don"t want to be with a person, 就應該直接分手 you should just break up with "em. 我也是這么說的 And that"s what I said. 你成功了

　馬特 You did it, Matt. 第三名 Third place. 第三名

　什么第三名 Third place? In what? 我都不知道這是個比賽 I didn"t even know this was a competition. 不然我會好好準備一下的 I would have had more preparation. 什么第三名 Third place in what? 吸塵器大賽

　DustBustering. 馬特

　我們好像搞錯了 Matt, it looks like there"s been a mistake. 你其實是第一名 You actually got first place. 你真美 You"re so beautiful. 你應該站上去 You have to move. 謝謝 Thank you! 馬特 Matt? 艾比 Abby... 發生什么事了 What happened? 我得了第一名 I got first place. 我去給你拿創可貼 I"ll go get a Band-Aid. 我記得

　這是我第一次意識到 This is the first time I remember thinking, 好像確實挺危險的 "Well, this seems dangerous. 也許我該去看一下醫生 Maybe I should see a doctor." 然后我又想

　我還是吃晚餐吧 And then I thought, "Maybe I"ll eat dinner." 于是我就去吃晚餐了 And I went with dinner. 對了

　還有一件事 And there"s one more thing. 我游泳俱樂部里那個伊萊恩 Elaine from my swim club 買♥♥了一個電飯煲 bought a rice cooker. 行了

　親愛的 Thank you, dear. 我要告訴他們

　因為... Well, I"m just telling them because...

　-我知道

　-其實... - I know. - It"s part of... 你們有了...他們有電飯煲了 You have... they have a rice cooker. 謝謝 Thank you. 這個公♥寓♥真不錯 Well, we love the apartment. 是的 Yeah. 是啊

　是啊 Yeah, yeah. -謝謝你

　-謝謝 - Thank you. - Thanks. 你們有打算裝♥修♥一下嗎 You gonna fix it up? 有啊

　我們想先粉刷一下 Um, yeah, well, we want to paint, 再準備點窗簾什么的 and we want to maybe get some curtains and that kind of thing. 忙死了 Very busy! 我不得不說

　真是太完美了 I think it"s perfect. I have to say. 琳達

　上甜點吧 Linda, the dessert. -我們沒準備甜點

　-別吵 - We"re not having dessert. - Hush. 你媽媽在網上訂了一個蛋糕 Your mother ordered a cake from the internet. 坐下...

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